But because things evidently false are not only printed, but many things of truth most falsely set forth — Sir Thomas Browne

It has come to the attention of the Killjoy Critic that the literary canon ought to be redefined. We ask, “What books ought to be read by all cultured and intelligent people?” The only overarching criteria can be the author. How narrow-minded, intolerant and oppressive is the writer? Though a paradox, it is true that we need a narrower, yet more open-minded canon. For the gate of the narrow-minded oppressor that leads to life and joy is indeed narrow, but the open-minded and tolerant gate of the Killjoy Critic leads to death, despair and depression.

The following is our criteria:

Christianity is the most oppressive worldview. Nothing is safe from its oppression. Christians should be tossed from the canon.

America is the most oppressive nation. Americans should be tossed.

Religion in general is oppressive. All religious writers should be tossed.

Universal truth is oppressive. Any who hold to any sort of universal truth should be tossed.

Morality is oppressive. Anyone who holds to any high moral standard of any kind should be tossed.

White Anglo-Saxon is the most oppressive race. White, Anglo-Saxon writers should be tossed.

Men are the most oppressive gender. All men should be tossed.

Women, mothers especially, oppress children. All women should be tossed.

Teenagers oppress other teenagers and younger children, so all teenage writers should be tossed.

All children oppress each other and, more importantly, nature: Send a boy outside for five minutes and the limbs of a tree have turned into a weapon and a squirrel has gone to his eternal home. Children writers ought to be tossed.

Here it may be obviously deduced that the Killjoy Critic believes the canon should consist of literature written by the often overlooked author of our world: Mother Nature. Everything is a text right? So too nature writes her epics in the skies and plains, and perhaps we can find a healthy abode of good, quality, open-minded and un-oppressive literature in the realm of the animal and plant kingdom.

Of course carnivores eat herbivores, so carnivores should be tossed.

On that note, herbivores eat plants. So herbivores should be tossed.

And trees kill off their leaves and clouds send their snow that kills off other species.

And all plants oppress the carbon dioxide in the air.

Carbon dioxide oppresses the icebergs and polar bears.

It is fair to say that icebergs aren’t technically innocent, considering what happened to the Titanic.

But we can assume that the Titanic was full of white, Anglo-Saxon people who were possibly Christian or bourgeois which makes it okay.

Of course, one could say that icebergs don’t really write anything. He would argue that if they did, they would naturally take out their pent up rage on the White, Anglo-Saxon, Protestant Male who has so oppressed him by all the carbon he has been pumping into the air.

Thus, in the end we must determine that Mother Nature oppresses herself and, if given the chance, humanity. Mother Nature must be tossed.

Therefore, and in conclusion, I proclaim that when we consider all the oppressive literature, the literary canon ought to exclusively consist of the tolerant and open-minded literary criticism of the Killjoy Critic who is both open to and oppressed by all other views.

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