Tuesday, March 17, 2015: This past week a tragedy occurred in the home of the late Mr. Samuel Snow. On Wednesday, March 11, Mr. Snow was given a letter in the mail, which read as follows:
Dear Mr. Snow,
Beware the Ides of March.
The identity of the writer has yet to be found, but an ongoing investigation is under way. Mr. Snow apparently thought little of the warning, for the letter was found stuffed in his desk drawer in The Ole Midshipman, his Manhattan home.
It had apparently happened that on Friday, February 13, 2015 a group of third-wave feminists discovered Mr. Snow’s blog, the fickle farce. gong snags, the leader, forwarded the reactionary writings to her colleagues, and with no little rage a coop was formed. On Friday, March 13, Sam Snow returned to his home in peace from a long day’s work, only to find gong snags snooping around the place. He questioned her, a dispute arose, and Mr. Snow ended it by telling her and her hooligans to “git off my land.” This not being too difficult, as Mr. Snow had little land, gong snags left for the evening.
Saturday, March 14 was a typical Saturday for Mr. Snow. He ambled about Manhattan and left notes, of which the writer of this obituary will compile into a post. It was an enjoyable day, but it was his last.
On Sunday, March 15, the fateful day arrived. Mr. Snow was out on his porch, smoking a pipe and reading some literature by a White, Anglo-Saxon Protestant when he heard something in the bushes. At once, gong snags jumped out with her posse, yelling grave obscenities. We know that the last thing Mr. Snow heard in his earthly life were the words “You misogynist! You think women weak and frail! We’ll show you!” After which only male-like grunts were heard from the herd, and Mr. Snow died by a savage blow to the head. Though some of the third-wavers escaped, gong snags and four others remain in custody, fully acknowledging their part in the death of such an esteemed man.
The death of Mr. Snow has been met with applause among feminists throughout this country, but many a good man mourns his death this day.
It is with a sad heart that Mr. Snow’s brother, Mr. Broom Snow, will take over the duties Mr. Snow held here at the fickle farce. Mr. Samuel Snow devoted his life to fighting third-wave feminism and other absurdities common to our day. Mr. Broom Snow hopes the future brings half of what the past brought and will not find it ironic or surprising if he too his drowned by a third wave.
Broom Snow, theficklefarce.com
Written at The Ole Midshipman,
Painting: “Breaking Wave”
By E. Gordon Davidge,
Oil on canvas, n.d.